Harper turned 1... So did we.

Being a mom....

Joy

Gratitude

Exhaustion

Success

Failure

Happiness

Frustration

Laughter 

Selfishness

Pressure

Sympathy 

Empathy

Identity? 

Respect 

Judged 

Surprised

Inspired 

Overwhelmed

 

But above all? Selflessness and endless, truly endless, LOVE. Waking up every day and deciding that her happiness and well being is the most important thing.

Being a mom, it has changed my life. Harper had her first year with so many new things, so many "firsts". Well, so did we!! This new territory, it's exciting and it's scary! I felt things I never had felt before, I cried more I laughed more, my heart felt like it could explode from the moment i touched her for the first time. I learned so much, wow did we learn so much! I failed. A lot!! 

What didn't/don't I do? I didn't breastfeed very long. I didn't swaddle Harper. I didn't get any crazy expensive formula, Costco brand worked great. I didn't/don't use cloth diapers. I didn't have a natural birth, in fact I didn't even "give birth the real way" (yes that was said to me). I don't feed her all organic. I didn't limit her diet, she ate what she wanted when she was ready. I never read about birth, watched videos, took classes... Ive never read hours about car seats, strollers, bottles... I used others advice and did a little research myself, then called it good. I didn't read about methods concerning breastfeeding, sleeping, etc. we did what worked for us! I didn't keep her home away from potentially dangerous germs, I know, naughty. I didn't/haven't taught her sign language. I didn't I didn't I didn't...

What did I do? I love my daughter. I loved her through that first year so much that at times I thought I might lose myself. I smiled every day. I kept her healthy and gaining weight at a healthy pace. I figured out what made her comfortable, what helped her sleep the best. I had a c section after 52 hours of labor, and truth be told I absolutely loved it. I change her diaper, even if it's barely wet. I feed her a healthy diet with protein, she loves fruits and will eat every vegetable we give her. I put her in a car seat, even when she isn't thrilled with the idea. I push her for hours in her stroller because she loves it and being outside makes us happy. I breastfed her for 3 months and she is a very healthy happy girl. I take her everywhere, I always have! We figured out what helped her sleep at night early on, and helped her develop a great pattern for bedtime. She naps whenever and wherever she wants, and that works for us! We've celebrated her every day of her life! We have devoted our time and love and energy to HER! WE MAKE HER HAPPY!!! We have taught her to laugh, to love with kisses and hugs, we have taught her where her belly is, her eyes and ears, her tongue (Grammy), she knows if she has a boo-boo where it is. She knows what I means when I say no and when we praise her... She knows what a lion says, a monkey, a chicken, a cow...to say no, yes, ga-ma, ga-pa, mama and daddy, baba (bottle) bye bye, hi, Reina (naina), more, thank you... We haven't gone by the books. I don't read articles people put on Facebook or Pinterest. But I love my girl, we love our girl, and we are doing what we feel is best for her! We fail a lot. I'm sure there is so much we could be doing better at, but we do every day make an effort to be the best we can be for her, even if we don't succeed.

At times, I've felt so lost. At times I've felt like all I want to do is cry, when she is upset because her molar won't come through and she is screaming and so sad and I can't fix it. There are days, most actually, when I've been home all day and Marcus walks through the door to see dishes on the counter, toys all over the floor, bathrooms not clean, laundry half done...But Harper and I on the floor playing with blocks where we have been for hours or we spent the day at the zoo or children's museum because that made us happy. There has been many days when Marcus comes home and he knows instantly that I need out, he will send me to have an hour or however long to myself while he plays with his girl...teamwork and a loving father, success. There have been days where I look around and everything went right, it was a perfect day, and yet I feel like I can't grasp that idealistic happiness. I scroll through FB and see dozens of titles telling me everything I'm doing wrong with my child. Literally not a day goes by that you're not being told you're doing at least 7 things wrong. 

Don't we have enough to worry about? It's hard. And not because of anything Harper does, but rather because it's just scary as hell. Its hard enough to figure out how to take care of another human who depends on you, knowing what they need. BIGGEST blessing, don't get me wrong! Just scary. You get bombarded at every turn with what you're doing wrong, what you're not doing enough of, what your child SHOULD know, SHOULD be doing, SHOULD be eating, SHOULDNT be doing, SHOULDNT be eating, use this don't use that, you're not doing this right... 

But then there is the world. A wonderful part, but so scary ! What a beautiful life we are blessed with, this earth is truly amazing, but there is sooo much ugly around, now more than ever, that it's terrifying to think/know if you're doing enough; enough to protect them from the mindless thinking (yes that's a thing I've decided) and the turning hearts of the people that will inevitably surround your sweet babe. Friends that I love and that she will grow up loving, their thoughts, opinions and actions aren't aligned with how we want to raise our girl, how do we raise her to love, raising her with a Christ centered heart but also teaching correct principles. Teaching them right from wrong has become even more of this oddly delicate task, but the borders have to be stronger than ever and while so many think the lines have greyed I think they are more black and white than before. The disgusting things they will have to see, hear, God forbid deal with, the things that will be "normal" for them to see and experience... How do you protect them from all of that? How do you prepare them enough? Faith? I have it, I promise I have it, but that doesn't make my job as a mom any less terrifying and maybe I am at fault for that. I love this little angel with every part of me, but yet I still feel like I fail at times as a mom... I just hope she can forgive all of those mistakes and faults and that I can forgive myself, daily! I feel like my parents just "had" it. I'm sure they felt the same way we do and yet I think they did the most incredible job and what I see in my mind is all the good! 

Prayer, LOTS! The murder of a young mom of a 1 year old and her unborn child has turned by world upside down here in Indy this week. I didn't know them, but they live in the same neighborhood as a dental school friend. The feeling and emotions that I have had about it have consumed me, kept me from sleeping... I can't even begin to imagine what she went through, what she did to protect her baby in his crib, the thoughts that went through her mind, and how her husband is going to move forward without the love of his life and mother of his babe by his side. How can i continue to believe that people are inherently good when such horrific things can and do happen.  

Finding that balance: not living in fear and yet protecting those you love more than life itself. 

Harper turned one, and so did we... And we will continue to grow every minute that she does. We'll never have being a parent figured out, but I promised my Heavenly Father that if He would bless me with an angel I would do everything in my power to make her life matter, make her journey the best I could, give her every tool that I can and teach her that she is a daughter of God. We love you Harper Jaye! 

-A

Growing Up Stinks... For Mama Anyway...

 

Oh Harper Jaye, you are our whole world. This girl was hilarious today. It was a weird day for this mama! Harper the last few days has been doing all sorts of things on her own, it's been SO fun to watch, but it makes me sad! She today was able to get puffs/yogurt melts in her mouth on her own. She has done larger things (veggies, vanilla wafers, fruit etc) for a while but couldn't quite get the small sticky snacks. Well, I cried. Of course. I now carry snacks and food in my diaper bag instead of just bottles, I have an almost 9 month old baby that is starting to recognize her independence. She plays by herself more and more each day as well. Doesn't need mama all the time to entertain her. I SHOULD be grateful for this, but of course instead, I cry. I stand there watching her from the kitchen instead of doing the dishes waiting for me. She rides in the cart like a big girl when we shop... Who is this big baby! 

 I was putting her down for a nap this afternoon and she was laying beside me while she drank her bottle, we were just staring at each other our faces about 8-10 inches apart. She stared into my eyes for a few minutes, I felt like she could see right through me. I felt like she knew me, really really knew me. I felt a sort of peace in my heart that I can't begin to describe. I was overwhelmed with a new sense of love and joy from the first time I laid eyes on Harper, but today it multiplied yet again. All in the way of a few minutes i felt so many emotions and wondered what I was before her and what I would ever do without her. 

Then tonight... Marcus always puts Harper to sleep. Tonight however, I quickly jumped on the opportunity when she was getting sleepy and he was busy. I got her bottle ready post bathtime routine and snuggled up with her. She wasn't having it. She wanted nothing to do with me. What happened to this incredible bonding moment we had earlier Harper?? What the heck! So I laid her down next to me again as we had during her nap and she refused the bottle. She was exhausted, but wouldn't open her mouth. Little stinker. She wasn't sad, wasn't crying, just laid there and watched me. Daddy came up, took her and the bottle and within minutes she was sleeping soundly and with a full tummy.

I lost it. I am your mom! I carried you! I spent 52 hours laboring for you! I had a c section for you! I wanted to put you to sleep!! Marcus quickly brought me back. This is their thing, it has always been their thing. From the time she was teeny tiny this has been their time. I recognized how  ungrateful I was being and was immediately humbled by how blessed i am to have a husband so willing to have such an active part in caring for her, someone so willing to take on the poopy diapers (probably more than I do...) and to get up every morning when she wakes up and bring her into our bed. I recognize and honor the incredible bond they have. I love watching them together, I love that that is their thing, and Marcus explained it so gently. 

But then it hit me. I wasn't mad because she wouldn't go to sleep for me, but rather that the number of times she will go to sleep in one of our arms, that number is getting smaller and smaller and I felt like my chances were slipping away. She is still so little and she is still our baby and will be our only baby for a long time, but she is growing every single day. 

(I spy on Marcus and her sometimes via the baby monitor, creepy? Probably...) 

"They grow up so quickly..." What a cliche. Everyone said it to us, but we didn't understand just how true it was. Like I said, she is still so little. And I don't want to rush a single day. But I realize too that she is growing and learning. While i celebrate each of these days, each of these little moments of growth, I can't help but have a little but of hesitation.

She is my baby, after all. 

-A-

Blogs to Come... And My Mommy Note of the Day

I'm going to be honest for a second. I have (and I'm not even kidding) 6 drafts ready to publish in my blog! Why haven't I done them? Well because I want to do Harper's birth story first and I need a few pictures off of Marcus's computer. This apparently is too time consuming (it's really not) so I haven't done it! But once I do, it's Harper's birth story followed by all her monthly updates! She will be 6 months next week, I'm not even sure how it happened so quickly! But we love her to pieces and can't imagine wasting a second with her. This brings me to my mommy note of the day. 

Let me first tell you what my mommy notes are. They are MINE!! They are something I treasure! I have been writing them down since i was pregnant with Harper. Anytime a mommy did something I loved, I made a note of it. Not going to lie, I also have written down the things I haven't loved. I don't write them in a judge-y way, I just use them to form thoughts of how I might do things or something a little differently. I stick them in my phone and eventually onto my computer. I have them all typed up and just continue to add to them. Mommy notes. 

One thing I believe quite firmly, is that each mama does things soooo different! Even from child to child. I could tell someone every single thing I do with Harper, you could try them with your baby and they (or you) could possibly hate each one! I learned this while pregnant. So many mommy's with so much advice!! At one point, my mom told me "stop taking advice, that's my advice!!" Not to say I wasn't soooo grateful for the expertise and words of wisdom coming from so many loving friends and family members, it was just that I was getting so overwhelmed wondering how I could do it ALL!! Example: swaddling. It's supposed to be this thing that babies love, they are supposed to feel all tucked up and secure. I remember watching one of my dearest friend Ashley's baby, Jensen, on Fridays and then living with them for 8 weeks the summer after he was born. To say this boy liked swaddling is an understatement. He LOVED being swaddled and would fall asleep almost instantly. And you couldn't swaddle him too tight, the tighter the better!! Harper however... She HATED it!! I tried different types of blankets, googled a few different ways to do it, nothing. She hated it. At one point, I said to my way too good for me husband, "but Marcus, she is supposed to like it!" He calmly sat me down and lovingly as he does explained to me exactly how ridiculous that sounded!! 

Harper wasn't "supposed" to do anything except be a baby.

Harper isn't supposed to be anything, except our baby.

Now I'm rambling, but my point is this; Harper is mine. She is mine and Marcus's, she is on loan to us from a very loving Heavenly Father and by golly I promised Him I would make it about her, I promised Him I would do my very best and love her to pieces! This means that I might do things differently than you, and that's OKAY! 

Disclaimer: there are some things (and if you spend time with me you will learn this) that you will know I think are bat crap crazy!! I may question why you do something a certain way, I may look at you like you're crazy (you know the look). Sometimes it's because I'm genuinely curious, other times it's because I think your nuts! But I hope to never and try to never say "well my way is right, here try it like this". I might offer suggestions if you ask and I would hope you would do the same for me as I sit here and flounder, trying to figure this thing called motherhood out! 

Gosh! Rambling again. Okay, mommy note: going to sleep! I have had it told to me on several occasions that by such and such age I should be able to put Harper in her bed and have her go to sleep on her own. This is a lovely idea! If you have multiple children or they are close together in age, this is genius and I imagine it makes your life a whole lot easier!! Here's the deal though, Harper doesn't! Those moments, the moments we get when putting her down for a nap or going to bed, they are some of my favorite!!! And Marcus's too! She doesn't have other siblings and won't have any close in age, she sleeps like a dream, it only takes a few minutes... I love it!! I completely understand the philosophy behind it and on several occasions I have asked how people get their babies to do it out of curiosity because it's pretty impressive! But even if I could... I'm not sure I would! And (say it with me now...) that's okay!! I hope this can always be our time. I hope as she gets older she asks me to lay with her and read a book or tell a story, or have HER tell me stories or things she did that day... Things other kids that day, things they talked about... I hope this time is always ours!! 

So mommy note today: "enjoy that cuddle time with Harper, you probably won't get that as much with the next baby. Enjoy the snuggles, enjoy her smiles and how she grips your hand or your collar while she falls asleep. It's okay! She doesn't have to go to sleep on her own, not right now. Right now is your time together!"

~A