Harper turned 1... So did we.

Being a mom....

Joy

Gratitude

Exhaustion

Success

Failure

Happiness

Frustration

Laughter 

Selfishness

Pressure

Sympathy 

Empathy

Identity? 

Respect 

Judged 

Surprised

Inspired 

Overwhelmed

 

But above all? Selflessness and endless, truly endless, LOVE. Waking up every day and deciding that her happiness and well being is the most important thing.

Being a mom, it has changed my life. Harper had her first year with so many new things, so many "firsts". Well, so did we!! This new territory, it's exciting and it's scary! I felt things I never had felt before, I cried more I laughed more, my heart felt like it could explode from the moment i touched her for the first time. I learned so much, wow did we learn so much! I failed. A lot!! 

What didn't/don't I do? I didn't breastfeed very long. I didn't swaddle Harper. I didn't get any crazy expensive formula, Costco brand worked great. I didn't/don't use cloth diapers. I didn't have a natural birth, in fact I didn't even "give birth the real way" (yes that was said to me). I don't feed her all organic. I didn't limit her diet, she ate what she wanted when she was ready. I never read about birth, watched videos, took classes... Ive never read hours about car seats, strollers, bottles... I used others advice and did a little research myself, then called it good. I didn't read about methods concerning breastfeeding, sleeping, etc. we did what worked for us! I didn't keep her home away from potentially dangerous germs, I know, naughty. I didn't/haven't taught her sign language. I didn't I didn't I didn't...

What did I do? I love my daughter. I loved her through that first year so much that at times I thought I might lose myself. I smiled every day. I kept her healthy and gaining weight at a healthy pace. I figured out what made her comfortable, what helped her sleep the best. I had a c section after 52 hours of labor, and truth be told I absolutely loved it. I change her diaper, even if it's barely wet. I feed her a healthy diet with protein, she loves fruits and will eat every vegetable we give her. I put her in a car seat, even when she isn't thrilled with the idea. I push her for hours in her stroller because she loves it and being outside makes us happy. I breastfed her for 3 months and she is a very healthy happy girl. I take her everywhere, I always have! We figured out what helped her sleep at night early on, and helped her develop a great pattern for bedtime. She naps whenever and wherever she wants, and that works for us! We've celebrated her every day of her life! We have devoted our time and love and energy to HER! WE MAKE HER HAPPY!!! We have taught her to laugh, to love with kisses and hugs, we have taught her where her belly is, her eyes and ears, her tongue (Grammy), she knows if she has a boo-boo where it is. She knows what I means when I say no and when we praise her... She knows what a lion says, a monkey, a chicken, a cow...to say no, yes, ga-ma, ga-pa, mama and daddy, baba (bottle) bye bye, hi, Reina (naina), more, thank you... We haven't gone by the books. I don't read articles people put on Facebook or Pinterest. But I love my girl, we love our girl, and we are doing what we feel is best for her! We fail a lot. I'm sure there is so much we could be doing better at, but we do every day make an effort to be the best we can be for her, even if we don't succeed.

At times, I've felt so lost. At times I've felt like all I want to do is cry, when she is upset because her molar won't come through and she is screaming and so sad and I can't fix it. There are days, most actually, when I've been home all day and Marcus walks through the door to see dishes on the counter, toys all over the floor, bathrooms not clean, laundry half done...But Harper and I on the floor playing with blocks where we have been for hours or we spent the day at the zoo or children's museum because that made us happy. There has been many days when Marcus comes home and he knows instantly that I need out, he will send me to have an hour or however long to myself while he plays with his girl...teamwork and a loving father, success. There have been days where I look around and everything went right, it was a perfect day, and yet I feel like I can't grasp that idealistic happiness. I scroll through FB and see dozens of titles telling me everything I'm doing wrong with my child. Literally not a day goes by that you're not being told you're doing at least 7 things wrong. 

Don't we have enough to worry about? It's hard. And not because of anything Harper does, but rather because it's just scary as hell. Its hard enough to figure out how to take care of another human who depends on you, knowing what they need. BIGGEST blessing, don't get me wrong! Just scary. You get bombarded at every turn with what you're doing wrong, what you're not doing enough of, what your child SHOULD know, SHOULD be doing, SHOULD be eating, SHOULDNT be doing, SHOULDNT be eating, use this don't use that, you're not doing this right... 

But then there is the world. A wonderful part, but so scary ! What a beautiful life we are blessed with, this earth is truly amazing, but there is sooo much ugly around, now more than ever, that it's terrifying to think/know if you're doing enough; enough to protect them from the mindless thinking (yes that's a thing I've decided) and the turning hearts of the people that will inevitably surround your sweet babe. Friends that I love and that she will grow up loving, their thoughts, opinions and actions aren't aligned with how we want to raise our girl, how do we raise her to love, raising her with a Christ centered heart but also teaching correct principles. Teaching them right from wrong has become even more of this oddly delicate task, but the borders have to be stronger than ever and while so many think the lines have greyed I think they are more black and white than before. The disgusting things they will have to see, hear, God forbid deal with, the things that will be "normal" for them to see and experience... How do you protect them from all of that? How do you prepare them enough? Faith? I have it, I promise I have it, but that doesn't make my job as a mom any less terrifying and maybe I am at fault for that. I love this little angel with every part of me, but yet I still feel like I fail at times as a mom... I just hope she can forgive all of those mistakes and faults and that I can forgive myself, daily! I feel like my parents just "had" it. I'm sure they felt the same way we do and yet I think they did the most incredible job and what I see in my mind is all the good! 

Prayer, LOTS! The murder of a young mom of a 1 year old and her unborn child has turned by world upside down here in Indy this week. I didn't know them, but they live in the same neighborhood as a dental school friend. The feeling and emotions that I have had about it have consumed me, kept me from sleeping... I can't even begin to imagine what she went through, what she did to protect her baby in his crib, the thoughts that went through her mind, and how her husband is going to move forward without the love of his life and mother of his babe by his side. How can i continue to believe that people are inherently good when such horrific things can and do happen.  

Finding that balance: not living in fear and yet protecting those you love more than life itself. 

Harper turned one, and so did we... And we will continue to grow every minute that she does. We'll never have being a parent figured out, but I promised my Heavenly Father that if He would bless me with an angel I would do everything in my power to make her life matter, make her journey the best I could, give her every tool that I can and teach her that she is a daughter of God. We love you Harper Jaye! 

-A