Growing Up Stinks... For Mama Anyway...

 

Oh Harper Jaye, you are our whole world. This girl was hilarious today. It was a weird day for this mama! Harper the last few days has been doing all sorts of things on her own, it's been SO fun to watch, but it makes me sad! She today was able to get puffs/yogurt melts in her mouth on her own. She has done larger things (veggies, vanilla wafers, fruit etc) for a while but couldn't quite get the small sticky snacks. Well, I cried. Of course. I now carry snacks and food in my diaper bag instead of just bottles, I have an almost 9 month old baby that is starting to recognize her independence. She plays by herself more and more each day as well. Doesn't need mama all the time to entertain her. I SHOULD be grateful for this, but of course instead, I cry. I stand there watching her from the kitchen instead of doing the dishes waiting for me. She rides in the cart like a big girl when we shop... Who is this big baby! 

 I was putting her down for a nap this afternoon and she was laying beside me while she drank her bottle, we were just staring at each other our faces about 8-10 inches apart. She stared into my eyes for a few minutes, I felt like she could see right through me. I felt like she knew me, really really knew me. I felt a sort of peace in my heart that I can't begin to describe. I was overwhelmed with a new sense of love and joy from the first time I laid eyes on Harper, but today it multiplied yet again. All in the way of a few minutes i felt so many emotions and wondered what I was before her and what I would ever do without her. 

Then tonight... Marcus always puts Harper to sleep. Tonight however, I quickly jumped on the opportunity when she was getting sleepy and he was busy. I got her bottle ready post bathtime routine and snuggled up with her. She wasn't having it. She wanted nothing to do with me. What happened to this incredible bonding moment we had earlier Harper?? What the heck! So I laid her down next to me again as we had during her nap and she refused the bottle. She was exhausted, but wouldn't open her mouth. Little stinker. She wasn't sad, wasn't crying, just laid there and watched me. Daddy came up, took her and the bottle and within minutes she was sleeping soundly and with a full tummy.

I lost it. I am your mom! I carried you! I spent 52 hours laboring for you! I had a c section for you! I wanted to put you to sleep!! Marcus quickly brought me back. This is their thing, it has always been their thing. From the time she was teeny tiny this has been their time. I recognized how  ungrateful I was being and was immediately humbled by how blessed i am to have a husband so willing to have such an active part in caring for her, someone so willing to take on the poopy diapers (probably more than I do...) and to get up every morning when she wakes up and bring her into our bed. I recognize and honor the incredible bond they have. I love watching them together, I love that that is their thing, and Marcus explained it so gently. 

But then it hit me. I wasn't mad because she wouldn't go to sleep for me, but rather that the number of times she will go to sleep in one of our arms, that number is getting smaller and smaller and I felt like my chances were slipping away. She is still so little and she is still our baby and will be our only baby for a long time, but she is growing every single day. 

(I spy on Marcus and her sometimes via the baby monitor, creepy? Probably...) 

"They grow up so quickly..." What a cliche. Everyone said it to us, but we didn't understand just how true it was. Like I said, she is still so little. And I don't want to rush a single day. But I realize too that she is growing and learning. While i celebrate each of these days, each of these little moments of growth, I can't help but have a little but of hesitation.

She is my baby, after all. 

-A-